The Métro entrance in the Jardins des Tuileries.

Paris Métro Etiquette

By Paul Jensi

Paris Kiosque - September 2000 - Volume 7, Number 9
Copyright (c) 2000 Paul Jensi - Used with permission.

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In August, a Paris subway car fell over on its side and slid to a stop just three feet from an oncoming train. In commemoration of this once-in-a-blue-moon accident and the traditional August fare increase, here is a crash course in Métro Etiquette.

Lesson 1: The Law of Silence
One of the customs tourists understand least is the unwritten (and unspoken) Code of Silence that takes effect from the moment you descend into the Underground. Despite the fact that you will never be closer to so many people at one time ever again in your life, any and all contact with your co-traveler's is forbidden. (Imagine the cast of Day of the Dead at a Rave).

Looking someone directly in the eyes is a vampire / crucifix thing and actually speaking to someone is like farting at a funeral. In the Métro act as though you're in someone else's bathroom-- reading is acceptable but anything beyond that is deviant.

Lesson 2: Reading
Remember that the Métro is the city's largest public library. Any and all literature you bring on the train is considered public reading material. Rather than snub the person reading over your shoulder, seize the moment to determine if their reading material is more interesting than yours and ask them what they think of your choice. Note: bring The Story of O at your own risk. Although it may help to break the ice...

Lesson 3: Seating
Seating is a pain. A conscientious voyager never fights for a seat if the journey is for three stations or less. If you're going anywhere from three to seven stops, you have the right to take an outside seat and if you're in it for the long haul, you're permitted to go for the inside seat. (If you can get it away from the sleeping people or the troubled young man with the look of a wanted poster). You can sit on the strapontins (folding chairs) whenever you like, but if you want to avoid dirty looks and the fat guy who's stepping on your toes, you'll be more comfortable standing when the car gets crowded.

Lesson 4: Pickpockets
Paris is a socialist country which, as everyone knows, is only one step away from the communist menace. There are some political activists who will try to liberate your wallet or pocketbook and they seem to hold regular meetings in the Métro. So keep your hand on your butt (or wherever it is you keep your money) -- that way you can have a good day even if you are robbed. The Métro is a den of iniquity when it comes to pickpockets. I've been ripped off twice (so far) so: Get Paranoid.

Lesson 5: Beggars
While I often buy magazines from the unemployed, never give money to the beggars or the accordionists, you'll only encourage them. For those of you who don't speak French, beggars all say the same thing: Ladies and gentlemen, I know I'm not the first or last to ask you for money, but I don't really care. Just give it to me. No luncheon vouchers or metro tickets-I ask for them to sound desperate but I don't really want or use them. Now, to further embarrass you, I'll sing a song from my country. [Sound of pig being neutered by near sighted dyslectic.]

Lesson 6:No Place (Like Home)
The Métro is more than just another public transportation system: For many it is Home Sweet Home. I myself am tempted to give up everything I own (yes, both of them) I have and move into my favorite, rent-free station. All of the basic necessities are to be found there. I'd listen to live music provided by wandering minstrels, watch video surveillance tv's, read newspapers donated by the public, eat discarded leftovers and party with my roommates: those who spend all day drinking tallboys and 8 franc a liter wine. Of course I'd have to give up sex and my other hobbies... If I missed working, however, I could always ask people for change and besides, just think how quick I would get home.

Lesson 7: Enjoy the Ride
For many, Paris is a museum of museums but she is actually an art gallery herself, populated with the most beautiful ladies in the world. Taking the Métro is like visiting an exhibition of treasures where the oeuvres are alive, where art breathes, where each piece is unique and irreplaceable. In the Underground waits a fine arts museum where Levis is my favorite sculptor and the eyes of the masterpieces follow me wherever I go, or not, depending on how lucky I am. Yet, as with traditional art, the intrigue is in the secrets guarded behind the facade, for most of the women are like symbols too deep for me to understand.

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In 1990 Paul quit his job in the United States and sold everything he had in exchange for a one-way ticket to Europe and a train pass. Figuring he would ride the rails until his money ran out, he voyaged through most European capitals before marrying the first French girl he met and moving to Paris in November of that year. Since then he published 123 articles and posted 192 of his photographs during his one-year tenure as Chief English writer at AOL France's Digital Paris Web site. His current goal of walking on every street in the city has revealed not only the importance of comfortable footwear but also the splendor of the city he calls his own (despite copyright infringement laws). He is currently working on ``Paris Misguided'', an unguide that will help him spread that love around. He can be contacted via PJensi@aol.com.